Did Your Parents Read Your Book?

Did Your Parents Read Your Book?

OMGoodness! This question always makes me laugh out loud because the backstory is hilarious. The simple answer is yes and no—one did and one couldn’t.

First, I must mention that my parents are incredibly supportive of my writing career—completely embarrassed by my choice in genera—but very loyal. Anyone who has read the previous blogs of mine will understand that as a child I struggled with reading and writing, and my parents were the ones who worked with me tirelessly to break through my struggles. When I confessed I was publishing a book (finally) they were ecstatic, but the story of how it all unfolded is a little wonky.

I started writing my novel in September of 2019, with only my husband being aware of my self-publishing goal. By the beginning of October, I had completed my book and was working with my editor. My sister came for a visit and I had confessed my dirty secret to her over dinner at my parents’ house. I figured my family would find out at some point what I was up to so I decided to break the ice with her. “Hey, Sam. I should probably tell you I wrote a sensual romance and plan on self-publishing.” She was supportive, excited, and dying to read it. What I didn’t realize was my mom had overheard my confession.

After my sister’s visit, my parents bombarded me at my house, demanding to read my book. Gah! No, no, no. Please God, no. Every kid’s worst nightmare is having the sex talk with their parents—doesn’t matter that I’m a grown-ass woman, it’s still weird.

I carefully explained that it was an intense romance. Mom was like, “I love romance novels.” Yeah, not your typical dime-store paperback, mom. The more they pressed for details, the more I was forced to reveal about the books content. It got to the point I finally said, “It’s erotica. I wrote smut!” that my words finally sank in their heads. “Oh, well…we still want to read it.”

Fuck my life.

In December, I had come to the end of my editing process with Christa and my sister was hounding me for the book. I gave it to her and eagerly awaited her response. She loved it, wanted to read the next, like right now. Having my sister’s approval was important to me and I pressed forward with formatting and copyright. My parents had backed off asking for the book and I assumed I was out of the clear—well, I assumed wrong.

My sister apparently had called up my parents, bragging she had read my book and how much she liked it. That phone call ended and my mom called me up, announcing she was ready for me to send her my book. Shiiit!!! Sure, I’ll get right on it.

I hung up and immediately called up my sister. “Fuck. They want the book. What do I do? What if they start asking me questions?” Sam laughed her ass off, but ultimately convinced me to rip the band-aid off and get it over with. One way or another, they were going to read it, either by me giving it to them or waiting for it go up on Amazon.

So after working myself up with some strong alcohol, I emailed it to them and stuck my head in the sand waiting for the apocalypse to rain down on me. That was on a Saturday. By Sunday morning my phone was ringing and it was my parents. I cringed away from my cell, dying a small death. My husband told me to woman up and take the call.

Now, I don’t know how you all have conversations with your parents on the phone, but my parents like to both be on speaker when talking to people—annoying as hell, especially when you want to talk to one without the other knowing what you’re talking about, but it’s their thing so I deal with it. The conversation went something like this…

Mom: So I read the book.

MJ: Really? You read the whole thing already? (She must have been up all night).

Mom: Mm-hm. It was good. Very graphic and lots of swearing, but it was a good story. I’m actually surprised you could write so well.

MJ: *roll eyes* Thanks for the backhanded complement, but I’ll take it.

Mom: I did find some grammar mistakes.

MJ: (Okay. Cool. I could totally roll with this. At least she was being professional and not going where I didn’t want to go.) *open laptop* Okay, where is the first correction?

Mom: Page 15, paragraph 2, second sentence, add a comma.

MJ: Mom, just read it to me. I’ll find it faster. Tablet format doesn’t line up with computer format.

Mom: *sighs heavily* Make her pussy vibrate.

Dad: Gah! *plugs ears* Stop talking, please!

MJ: *dying inside* Um, okay. Maybe dad should go in the other room?

Dad: *hear feet shuffling fast out of the room*

Mom: *trying to remain impassive* page 54, leaking precome.

Dad: *screams* I can still hear you!

MJ: *Head in hands* OMG!

Mom: Shut the damn door, Paul!

Dad: *slams door*

Mom: Your dad tried to read your book—he couldn’t get past the twitching dick reference on page three.

MJ: *bust out laughing*

Mom: *clears throat and goes through the rest of edits as seriously as she can*

*Silence*

Mom: How in God’s name do you know all this stuff?

And there it is, my worst nightmare coming true.

MJ: Mom, I had to do research for my book. (Please, sweet baby Jesus, don’t let her ask more).

Mom: *silent* What’s a frenum piercing?

MJ: (Fuck my life) Whatever you do, mom, don’t goggle it. Images are the first thing to pop up.

Mom: *fingers flying across a keyboard* Oh my God! *uses my full birth name like it’s a curse*

MJ: I told you not to goggle it!

Mom: Why would you include that? Why would someone get that? Does Matt have one?

(Meanwhile my husband is busting a gut because he’s listening in on our conversation).

MJ: Mom, research! Guys get that piercing to give their partner pleasure.

Mom: *silent* Her pleasure? Hmm… I think I’m going to be making a piercing appointment for your father.

MJ: *cringe* (worst sex talk ever) Glad the romance is alive and well, but please refrain from sharing.

Mom: What does rimming mean?

MJ: *slaps forehead repeatedly* (Ugh! Fuck you Sam! Rip the band-aid off, my ass! More like open Pandora’s Box) You know what, seeing as Sam is a medical professional, I think she can explain the ins and outs of this a lot better. You should definitely ask her.

And there you have it. The sex talk with my parents has not improved since I was teenager. Definitely ranks high on the list of seriously uncomfortable moments for me. But yes, my mom read my entire book and my dad…tried. Lol.